Skinny Jeans: Why I don't trust pants

WTF Skinny Jeans? What the hell are you?

When the term "Skinny Jeans" came out, I thought "oh, those jeans must be for skinny people." I had started to see an epidemic, girls too skinny for the size "0" jeans. They'd be like "They only have size "0"?? That's too big for me!" And I'd think "I think you have a bigger existential problem when nothing is too big for you. Also, you look like a 12 year old boy." But I digress.

So, Skinny Jeans= for skinny people right? But then, no! They started making "skinny jeans" in plus sizes.



That's an oxymoron if I ever heard one! Now I'm not skinny, nor do I aspire to be. Healthy? Yeah, once I stop being lazy I'll work on healthy. Fit? Maybe, but probably not. But Skinny? Not my thing. To each their own. So with the new Skinny Jeans being for "plus size" women, too, I thought "OH! The legs are skinny so they can fit nicely into boots. Not sure if you've realized this, but where once boots were a form of protection when you were out in the cold, wet or gross, now they are a fashion statement and regular jeans just bunched up weird. Thus Skinny Jeans to wear boots, right?










But Oh No! The Jean Jeaniuses (see what I did there?) decided to create Skinny Flare Jeans!



But if they flare, doesn't that take away from the skinny-help-you-wear-boots factor?!? And so now I'm just confused. Add that to the already infuriating cutesy names (Diva, Sweetheart, Come-Fuck-Me *I don't think that one is real, but it might as well be*) and the fact that where men's pants are based on actual measurements, women's pants are a "Choose Your Own Adventure" at every store, and I'm done. Jean are the devil's way of making women hate themselves and me question the meaning of life.

This, my friends, is why I love Pajama Pants. I would wear them every day all day if that was socially acceptable (or if I was unemployed). Pajamas are predictable. You have 3 basic categories for the most part:

Slutty (No real pants there, but then that just takes the guess work right out ):


Adult Baby (comfortable, but creepy)


And my personal favorite- just plain comfortable (possibly in a fun print!):



No asking if I like "Pajama Jeans." The answer is NO! They are more confusing because it combines the thing I love (pajamas) with the thing I am confused by (jeans) and therefore they are unacceptable.



So, the moral of the story? Skinny jeans- and jeans in general- confuse me. And if any object confuses me, I don't trust it. Therefore, the only pants I trust are pajama pants. They've never done me wrong.