Scientology: Adventures in Employment - Part 2

OK y'all, are you ready for this?? If you haven't read part 1, click here to read it now! 

Before I get into the details, once again, I have not studied Scientology and do not claim to know all about it. This is merely my experience working with a group of them- to my surprise!


Part 2: Working

Day 1: Welcome to Scientology... I mean "physical therapy"

19 year old me was very excited to start this new job at "HM" Physical Therapy as the Executive Assistant to the Head Physical Therapist. Despite my relatively little experience or skill, after a 3-hour interview, a series of tests and some uncomfortable wait times, I was given the job and I was happy to begin!

Upon arriving, I was sent to "Katherine's" (the COO) office to fill out the normal new hire paperwork. As I sat in her office, I met her husband Matt, who I would later find out was my trainer.


After the paperwork Katherine told me a little bit more about the company. The first thing she told me was that she, Matt and her Uncle Bill (the CEO) were all Scientologists. She asked me if I knew about Scientology. I admitted that I had heard of it, but didn't really know details. Honestly this is what I knew:


These people seemed relatively normal for actors and they were scientologists: 



But I also knew that this guy was it's biggest promoter, and he's a freaking lunatic:



Other details: it's more of a corporation than a "church," they believe aliens are involved in some way and Katie Holmes was not allowed to scream as she pushed a human out of her body.





Well, turns out, Katherine and Matt were the "pastors" of the local Church of Scientology. Katherine assured me that I would not be asked to become a Scientologist while working here, but what she really meant was I would not be asked to be a scientologist outside of work. During the work day, I might as well have been a scientologist.


Then Katherine pulled out a book from her bookshelf and showed me a set of other books with the same logo- HMC. She explained that Scientology was started by a man named L. Ron Hubbard: 





Since Scientology is set up like a corporation, L Ron wrote a series of books on how to run a Scientology corporation. HMC stood for "Hubbard Management Corporation." Katherine explained to me that given the name of the office, they just pretend that it stands for "H_ _ _ _ _ M _ _ _ _ _ Company." So to break it down, they used books guiding them how to run a Church of Scientology as a guide instead on how to run a physical therapy office. Sounds legit, right?


After that Katherine explained that for the next 2 days I would be in training full time. Then I would start my normal duties and attend trainings sporadically.


The training room looked like a legit class room. Like this:


Matt sat at the front and a few random people were there already. I still don't know the names or titles of those other people because I never saw them again.


I was given a book written by... you guessed it! L Ron Hubbard! It was called "Learning How To Learn." This is the children's version, but I clearly had the adult version... it's probably about the same. :P



Basically this book said that you should know the full dictionary definition of every word you read. No assuming meanings based on context, you should know every word fully. If you read something and you couldn't spout out the exact dictionary definition, you had to look it up in the dictionary, write it down and memorize it. There would be quizzes. I was given a work book (I'm pretty sure it was pages from the HMC books) and told to read them until I memorized every word and their meanings. Whoa! This is probably what I looked like, except... me.

This lasted until lunch. I hadn't brought a lunch because I was told I'd have 1 hour and I figured I would go get something. Well, Matt told me that there was a switch up for the afternoon and we'd have to go to the downtown Grand Rapids location.... and he needed a ride. Tag! I'm it! It was weird. 

As we head out, he pulls out a brown paper bag and starts eating his sack lunch: a sandwich, chips, a banana, and a capri sun. Yes folks, we're in 4th grade! 

We drive down there and basically I don't get to eat lunch. We set up in a small windowless room in the downtown physical therapy office and I spend the entire afternoon "learning how to learn" alone. At the end of the day, Matt comes in and quizzes me on random shit and then I drive him back to the Kentwood office. Somehow I show up for day 2!

Day 2: Learning How To Learn

Whew! After a long day 1, I came to work day 2 and this will be short and simple- all freaking day I "learned how to learn" in the training room with more nameless people and Matt. At one point Matt said something about how we each have different "hats" and we'll need to be able to change "hats" at any point. 

2 days in, I still hadn't seen the physical therapy office, met who I'd work for directly, or even heard about my actual day-to-day job. I went home that night in tears, but I couldn't explain why, just something wasn't right. The whole thing wasn't right.

Day 3: We like quizzes, not questions


I was reluctant to come back on day 3, but they were paying me so much (for the time) and I was hoping once this "training" was done that I would have a somewhat "normal" job.

Day 3 started out with the promise of actually seeing where I was going to work and who I was going to work with. But I would have to wait until the afternoon. All morning I continued to "learn how to learn" except Matt took the day off so I was at a little table outside of Katherine's office.

Every once and awhile Katherine's assistant, "Stuart," would come to quiz me. No joke, this was the quiz: Stuart would give me a page number and paragraph and I had to tell him what was about. Then he would pick a random word (sometimes easy words, sometimes ones I actually did have to look up) and he would make me tell him the definition. I got the answer right every time and he resented me, calling me a suck up.

This could be us, except neither of us were Asian and I wasn't happy. He was a dick though.

Anyway, in the afternoon I was finally shown where I would actually spend my days. I was taken to the physical therapy portion of the office. I saw the physical therapists, who seemed nice but were not at all interested in meeting me. Then I was taken to meet the Head Physical Therapist, "Ronald." I was brought to his office and introduced. At no point in the entire exchange did Ronald lift his head from the chart he was reading to even acknowledge my existence. 

Then I was taken to my office. It was a small office that I would be sharing with a woman named "Leslie." She had a large desk that was absolute clear of anything. No phone, no computer, nothing. I wondered what she did, but I never did find out. Our office was like this, except not as nice and I was the only one with a phone:

In fact, this picture has way more storage space than the real office and I had a crappy chair. I was shown my "desk" which was actually just a small card table in the corner. It had a phone, a bulky computer probably from 1989, and the smallest and worst filing system I could imagine for an Executive Assistant.

I found out then that I was the only one in the physical therapy office that would even have a computer, so I lot of people would be using my desk a lot. I found that quite impractical for an Executive Assistant. Also this was 2005, so why was I the only one with a computer?

Then I was told the weirdest, most inefficient concept ever. The mailbox system. 

See, in addition to having the normal mailbox system, this is where questions were filtered. You may be asking yourself "what do you mean??" Stay tuned friends.

At HM Physical Therapy, you were not simply allowed to ask a question.

Oh no, no. Here's the process:

• Write your question down. Then write what you think a possible answer is.
• Put that piece of paper in the other person's mailbox
• Pray to God that they check their mailbox every few minutes (because they couldn't possibly have other work to do)
• Check your mailbox every few minutes in hopes that they responded (they probably didn't)
• When they check their mailbox, they'll get your question and respond (hopefully immediately, but probably not) 
• They'll put their response in your mailbox and then you'll have your answer.

 Note: If you have a complicated question or need follow up information- you're basically screwed.

So, let's put this in perspective. Let's say I wanted to know what time Leslie was going to lunch. Yes, Leslie, who I share an office with. Instead of turning around and saying "Hey Leslie, what time are you going to lunch?" I would have to write a note "Hey Leslie, what time are you going to lunch?" Then write what I think the answer is "I think you're going at 12:30." Then I'd put the note in Leslie's mailbox (which, by the way, was about 50 feet away in another room that connected the Operations office and the Physical Therapy office).  I'd pray to God that Leslie would get that note before actually leaving for lunch, then, assuming she did, she would take the note back to our office, respond with "Actually, I'm going at 1pm." Then she'd return it to the other room in my mailbox where I would then have to go get that note to find out the answer.  This is what I wanted to say to them:

Does your brain hurt from the absurdity? Mine does and did. I left day 3 with one simple thing on my mind: WTF?!?!

Day 4: Why the hell do I keep coming back?!?!

Holy crap, I can't believe I kept coming back to work for these crazy people. If this is how Scientology works, I'm surprised it's as popular as it is. These people are NUTS!

Day 4 started with a staff meeting for the physical therapy office. I was finally introduced to the rest of the PT staff and none of them were particularly interested in the fact that there was a new person. I honestly don't know what was said in that meeting because I was still trying to figure out what the hell my job was.

Someone at one point handed me a client folder and told me to bring it to Ronald. I knocked on the door frame of his office, 

"Hi Ronald, I have a client folder for you." Ronald keeps his head down and ignores me. 

I walk in a bit "Um... where would you like me to put it?" Ronald keeps his head down and points to his desk. 

I set it down "OK, is there anything else I can do for you?" Ronald gives me a sideways glance.

He says "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Janessa. Your new Executive Assistant. We met yesterday."

Ronald grunts. "OK, you can leave."

My new boss.

I go back to my office and there are 3 people in line waiting to use my computer. I know I will never be able to successfully do this job. Then I am told to head to Katherine's office.

Katherine tells me that for the rest of the morning I'll be reading Scientology books and "learning how to learn." But I'm not required to be a Scientologist, right?? Ha!

By lunchtime I ask to meet with Katherine and tell her that I will not be able to work here. I go to my office, reach around the people using the computer to grab my coat and purse. I say goodbye to the girls (who think I'm just going to lunch) and never come back again.

Every time I pass this place, even though I think they're under new management now, I just shiver. Weirdest job ever. Longest 3.5 days in my life.

And now you know.

J