I interrupt this very irregular "broadcast" with an unusual moment of seriousness. My apologies.
Today I've been thinking a lot about Hope. So I thought I'd share.
Since my diagnosis, I've certainly had my ups and downs emotionally.
Particularly since my 3-week stay in the hospital, many people have noted my positive attitude. They tell me I "look good" and sound "upbeat." Which, as most people would tell you, is important when you're sick.
And let's face it, I may not always look it, but
This isn't something that is taken lightly by my team of doctors. They like to remind me just how sick I am, in case I've forgotten.
People ask me how I stay so positive throughout this.
My initial internal response is usually one of the following: "I'm positive? Ha! Ok." or "Heck if I know."
But I give them the story about how I told God if I lived through a procedure that wasn't any more risky than any other procedure but could - in fact - kill me if things went bad, that I'd be positive.
And that's true. That happened. I said that and for the most part, I did that.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I have good days and bad days.
(which is really more like "alright days", "crap days" and "really shit days")
But I got to thinking today, what people see as my positive, "upbeat" attitude through this really shit time, all boils down to Hope.
Hope is such a lovely word, isn't it?
It's pretty. It brings about thoughts of positivity, light, happiness, glee, expectation.
The dictionary's first definition of Hope is: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.
We all want Hope, in every day things. And people particularly look for Hope in the really crap times.
Hope in itself is positive and grand. But it is what you put that Hope in that really defines how you're handling the situation.
I realized today that I live every day with Hope. Every. Single. Day.
But not always for the reasons you'd think.
Some days I have Hope in Healing
Hope in Love
Hope in Restoration
Hope in the Future (Hope that it's a long future)
Hope in Adventure
Hope in Life
But here's the truth
Other days, my Hope is that it advances quickly and I don't have to live very long.
Hope in Death
Hope in Relief
Hope in The End
And then of course,
Hope that it's all true, everything I've been taught and believed
Hope in Eternity
Hope in Salvation
Hope in Everlasting (healthy) After Life
It's not what people want to hear. They want only positivity.
Laughter is the best medicine.
A positive spirit will keep you strong.
And it's there, don't get me wrong, mostly I'm right there with you.
But not everyone is positive 100% of the time - sick or not.
I just read the book "A Fault In Our Stars" about 2 teenage cancer patients who fall in love. Super cute, super sad, I'd recommend it, all that jazz. But what I loved the most was how honest the main characters were about the really shit time they were going through.
The fear of being a Grenade - someone who leaves a wake of sadness and pain when they pass and not wanting to add anymore people to the "blast zone" while they were alive.
Honestly not having the energy to keep up the front that everyone expects and to just sit there and realize that "that's the thing about pain... it demands to be felt."
I don't want to give off the impression that I'm sitting at home drowning in my own despair, one step from slitting my wrists. If I was, I would not be writing this.
But that's my answer to why I am positive. Because every day I live in Hope. Most days it is happy Hope, other days you may not want to know where my Hope lies. But in the long run, I'm hopeful.
I am full of Hope.
And day by day I see where that Hope leads.