Friday, November 15, 2013

Nurses: Modern Day Drug Dealers

**Before I officially start this post, I'd just like to remind everyone that this blog is rarely serious. I don't actually consider nurses the equivalent of street drug dealers. It just plays into one of my stories. Calm Down.**

One of the best parts of being in the hospital was the nurses. I had tons of nurses during my 3 weeks and only some of them were on for more than 1 shift for me.

I quickly became a favorite among the nurses and techs. This is most likely because most of their patients are either only 1/2 conscious: 

Or in pain and grumpy:

Even when I was in pain, I would smile and joke around. First of all, it's not their fault that I'm in pain and second, that's kind of my thing. I had also decided that if I lived through the heart catheterization (not that there was a lot more risk of dying than any other surgery, but there was a point I hoped I would so...) that I would just go with the flow and take things as they come with a positive attitude.

Ok, I was more like this:

I'd have nurses and techs come visit me even when they weren't assigned to me. Sometimes the ICU nurses would bring someone to my new floor and check in. I had several ask me to come visit - just not stay. What can I say, I'm kind of a big deal!

Anyway, my favorite were the male nurses. Yes, for obvious reasons, but also because they were fun to mess with. 

(side note: when I googled "hot male nurse" a lot of delicious pictures turned up. I got distracted and had to use some sensibility when choosing the photos..)

Who am I kidding? I'm not sensible. I had some attractive nurses, but let's be honest, I would have voluntarily stayed in the hospital if I had the following male nurses:


One of my nurses that I had for several night shifts, we'll call him "Brad", was referred to as "hot male nurse" when I posted on facebook. He reminded me of a guy I went to college with, had the prettiest blue eyes and best of all, blushed so easily.

See, the nurses were at work. They needed to be professional. Additionally, these were male nurses, with a young female patient in a private room. It was very important for them to make sure lines weren't crossed. 

I, on the other hand, was not at work and considering I didn't wear pants for 3 weeks, wasn't feeling particularly professional. I also have a tendency to cross the line, so I went for it.

(by the way, I'd never wear those sandals)

Here are my best memories with some of my male nurses:

"Brad"- Brad is my age, has a long time girlfriend and just bought a house with her. They are serious. I am not actually hitting on him, but he doesn't know this and he's still new to the nursing field.

Brad walks into the room as I am stepping out of the bathroom and getting ready to wash my hands.
Brad: Oh, I'll come check you out out later.
Me: You're going to "check me out" huh? ;)
Brad: ::blushes and leaves the room::
Brad gets a phone call while he's doing my vitals. Turns out it's his nurse tech arranging to meet to discuss patients. I only hear his part where he says when and where he'll meet this mystery person.
Brad: OK, I'll meet you there in 10 minutes.
Me: Oooh, secret rendezvous?
Brad: ::blushes::

I'm doing a walking test in the hallway. It is almost shift change. I see Brad standing at the nurses station. My mom and current nurse are with me.
Me: Hey! It's Brad! My favorite night nurse!
Brad: ::blushes and turns away::
Essentially, Brad's stories aren't super exciting, but you can see how easily uncomfortable he got, which was so much fun!

"Mark"- Mark was my nurse twice. He had been in the nursing field a lot longer. He said he used to be like Brad, but has since relaxed. Though apparently he relaxed a lot more than normal with me. Mark is married with 3 kids and though attractive, not as much as Brad.
I had just started on my oral and intravenous drugs. One of the drugs I take is Revatio. The active ingredient is sildenafil, which is also the active ingredient in Viagra. I'm essentially taking Viagra 3 times a day. It makes me laugh **note, I did promise to let the nurse know if I had an erection for more than 4 hours ;)**
Mark: Hey, got your Viagra for you!
Me: Best part of my day!
Mark: So I guess if you start getting randy, I should stay away?
Me: Of course not, that's not fun, you should come around more often! ;)
Mark brings in my Veletri - my potent, expensive, intravenous drugs.
Mark: I've got your drugs.
Me: Yay!
Mark: You got my money?
Thus, Mark established himself as my drug dealer.
(yes, I know they are the cooks, but this picture was more badass than the others I found)
I had just taken a shower and needed new LEDs put on. There were 5 on my body - 3 on my chest and 2 on my abdomen. Mark is getting ready to put them on, but it's a guessing game under the gown. I lift up my gown, just straight up flashing him.
Me: Do I get Mardi Gras beads for this?
Later while he is connecting the battery pack and putting it through my gown pocket...
Mark: This is why I took this job, so I could put my hand up women's shirts without getting in trouble (he was kidding).
Me: Well, you got a full on show earlier and I'm still waiting for my Mardi Gras beads!

"David"- David was only my nurse 1 day, the day before I left. He is also married and has 2 kids. He was cute, but mainly I was so bored after 3 weeks in the hospital, I just wanted to entertain myself.
David removed my picc line in my right arm. He was required to keep pressure on the opening for a minimum of 5 minutes after removing the line and before bandaging it. He stood there and my arm was positioned just so, I was also not allowed to move my arm. My hand however... (also, my parents were in the room).
David: Just a few more minutes then you're good to go.
Me: I just want you to know that my hand is in the perfect position to grab your ass.
David: ::laughs:: Uh oh, should I be worried? Should I call my wife?
Me: I haven't decided yet.
My Parents: Ok, we're going to leave and go get some food.
David: What?! She just said she was going to grab my ass and you're leaving me here alone with her!
Me: Oh sweetie, I'd do it with them here, too. They make no difference ;)
I did not grab his ass, but when he was doing shift change with Brad I told him I regretted it and asked him to come over so I could grab it then. ;)
So, the moral of this story is:
1) if you're in the hospital - have fun!
2) if you're alone with me, I'm probably going to be inappropriate at one point or another. Just go with it! ;)

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